Families, priorities and learnings

I dearly love my family. In all their various forms and complex relationships they have been a huge source of joy, pain, challenge, support and laughter for me and continue to be so invariably each day.

It is stuningly fantastic when we all happen to be together in our complexities and somehow the clashes of all our individual personalities, needs and behaviours creates this amazing paintball galaxy of comedies, tragedies and heroisms. It is magical to witness and not get drawn in, if you can!

I have just spent an absolutely heart opening and astounding winter/spring/summer recovering in the bosom of my family yet at the same time craving my own sanctity and peace.

I am torn now that I have the opportunity to be moving on into my own space from the unspoken security, love in all its innumerable forms and human interractions though frustrating to be extremely reassuring in its very existence.

I can see how complex family dynamics can create unseen dependencies and I feel like a teenager once again stepping out from the family's umbrella to face the world on my own again!

I am so excited about what I could be about to rediscover and yet the idea of stepping out on my own is overwhelmingly scary!

I know my family are simply a phonecall and a train ride away but gosh it's frightening loosening the strong supportive ever present apron strings that have held me safe for so long.

What I have enjoyed in the recent years has been the solid base that has always been there for me as I needed it, at times it felt like i was far too comfortable at home and would never leave - both to my family and outsiders!

I used to wonder about this, when I compared my life and family interractions with those of my western compatriots, being of Indian origin we were very much what others would say in "each other's pockets". Having lived the "western" way and returned home I can see the advantages and the disadvantages. At present though I see more advantages.

I watched a program recently about teenagers/young adults, from around the UK who were completely dependent on their parents for everything and had never worked a single day.

I believe sometimes the cossetted nature of the Asian lifestyle appears to suggest to English families that young asians are not allowed free will/choice and they are waited on hand and foot and that can be a detrimental image for the outside world. In some respects what I have experienced these past years is close to that but not entirely.

Purely out of fear for my life, my mother took it upon herself to make herself available to me at literally every step in my recovery. This was an absolute blessing yet I can see with hindsight it also made me less self-dependent on basic actions. Yes I would and could go shopping for weekly provisions but since mum likes to keep herself busy in the house and mainly in the kitchen I found myself frequently letting her "get on with it" rather than interfere with her choice of meal making.

Now I am considering shopping lists for house management and all the weekly chores that come with taking care of a home and feeling slightly scared that I may err more on the lazy side. I feel that would be a terrible slight on mum's efforts to train me into managing a house to perfection.

I remember I was not a devotee of cleaning the cooker hood every week, polishing the chrome until it glowed and other "little" chores that ensure my mum's home is presentable to strangers who drop in at a moments notice to carry out a full scale inspection on the cleanliness and atmosphere of her home ensuring it is up to grade. Will my cleaning skills pass their momentary inspections? I have dreams of my mum dressing up as these strangers landing on my doorstep demanding access as is her right to inspect my humble abode and of course my inspection will fail miserably!....

Will i remember to take the toothbrush and scrub out the drains? Will life be one long cleaning journey? Will I wake at night in a cold sweat remembering something I have failed to do? All these fears dawn on me at interminable intervals.. fears of the child wanting so hard to please the parent.

I have also noticed how dependent one becomes through illness or a loss on others. I can see the roots of my old dependency playing out in the childhood relationships I grew up with and the dynamics playing out in other relationships within the family.

Silent support can, if allowed to, easily cross a boundary changing a supportive relationship into a dependent one. Although love and support are neccesary elements of any positive relationship it can so easily become negative when individuals play out their needs in a powerless way. Being powerful can also be challenging to others within a relationship. I have noticed how some partnerships get threatened when the "dependent" partner takes the initiative to make their own decisions, the dominant partner can react in a way that totally de-stabilizes the existing status quo and demands are made of the partner that tried to free themselves from the old restraints that can bring to the forefront underlying issues that the individuals were happy to ignore previously.

Now more than ever, all of these changes are due to the shift in energies in our universe at this time.

All unbalanced relationships where power and dependency played a vital role are being challenged and being destabilised to enable partners to bring the balance in. Where partners resist the relationships will suffer immensely, where the partners are able to realign themselves and work with the changes demanded of them, relationships will succeed.

So I write this post to suggest that should you find yourself being faced with old patterns of behaviour you are being asked to examine what it is that no longer works for you that you may need to let go of because it does not work and learn to work with your partner to rebalance your relationship.

In soem cases where the imbalances in relationships have played out to the max most partners are now being challenged to let go of the partnership all together. This can be immensely challenging if you have been together for a long period.

If you find yourself in any of these dilemmas, I suggest you ask for support and if it is something you have never done, now is the time to learn to ask and allow yourself to receive. The universe is here to support you what it is doing is challenging you to trust that it is and allow yourself to receive and BE WARE the help MAY NOT come in a form you expect nor from the person you expect.

Life the Universe & everything else.... like relationships

Thu 29 Jan 2009
Life, the Universe & Everything else - like relationships!!!
Life, the universe and everything.
For years now I have been providing psychic reading services to an array of intriguing and intelligent clients. As an independent woman (how I see myself) sometimes I found it really tough to balance the client’s perceived desperation for a full time relationship in their lives, a committed partner whose presence was fixed in their daily lives. Some individuals defined their value based on the lack of relationships others by the “success” of their relationships. That sense of dependency for another is something I could not quite make peace with.
I often sat after such a reading request and wondered what it was that made this need for a partner so intense. I am not claiming to have this answer now but I have recently become aware that I also have the urge to meet a potential partner and for what seems like an eternity it was somehow repressed and covered over with many different causes to follow and actions to take for myself. I am wondering if the scientists were right after all and is this an hormonal urge uncontrollable by us mere mortals in natures desire for procreation? Or on the other hand is it simply human behavioural programming that I have tried so hard to repress for so long?
What had also happened for me very subconsciously was that I set up a physical barrier around me as part of this whole business of not acknowledging my own needs. This physical barrier was a layer of unexpressed emotions and other “gunk” which formed an outer shell.
You may choose not to believe this but, within literally days of admitting that I was hiding from a deep inner need to share my life with “a significant other” my body shape shifted! I found myself two clothes sizes smaller and bouncing with new life. What amazing things happen when you open up to knowing yourself! Lol.
So finally having become aware of my need to connect with a potential soul mate/twin flame, I took the bold step to put myself out on the “available and looking list”. Very tentatively I invited men to connect with me. I must say a big THANK YOU to a great cabbie out there in London, without whose sweet compliments I would not have become aware that I needed to pay attention to my own needs and that it was time to really listen to myself, thank you sweet friend you know who you are and I thank the universe for sending you as a messenger to me.
I love the animated movie KUNG FU PANDA, (those who do not know me will be forgiven for thinking I spend all my time watching movies, lol); there is a comment that is repeated several times by a wise old teacher in the movie – “THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!” I truly believe there are none in this life and so I know in my heart that I met this person not by chance but by universal design so that I would then take charge in an area of my life which needed me to take action to fulfil my needs.
I have spent too long denying that a one-to-one relationship was important to me and in that time have created endless stories to convince myself I was doing the right thing for me. For example, I have by the “co-incidence” of birth (being born under the sign of Sagittarius) been designed to crave frequent adventures in travel and movement, finding being in one place too long leaves me feeling stagnant in life and also believing that maintaining a strong long term relationship whilst being a free spirit in need of spontaneous travel would be completely undo-able after all it would be unfair on any potential partner would it not if I was constantly throwing caution to the wind and absconding at a moment’s notice to explore new corners of the earth? Well that is what I convinced myself I believed and in the same self deception what I have also done as a result of this constant need to be on the move is deny myself a degree of stability that any soul needs.
Becoming aware of this paradigm that I had created for myself has been a truly freeing experience. I feel lighter, more comfortable with myself, though I am not out of the woods yet.
I am discovering that the patterns and processes I put into place to ensure that I - at least - believed my own story have been a constant challenge to me in this new journey. I am learning how often I sabotage potential relationships by underplaying my worth and my ability. How I put into play a mere shadow of myself that even I would have difficulty trusting and connecting with genuinely at the flick of an eye is the work of a genius alone! It has once again confirmed to be that we create endless personas within our roles in life to help us maintain self deception in every area of our lives so that we can continue to be reckless with our needs, riding rough shod over the basic necessities of life. How we continue to project onto others our deceptive behaviours simply so we can continue to trick ourselves into living a life of half truths is a stunning drama only a genius can write and rewrite at each juncture to suit our needs for self deception.
This experience has also taught me though that, once you become aware and live in that awareness you will be supported to shed the deceptive dramas in your life by just the right person turning up to push your buttons as your move through life on the travellator of our times! My learning has taught me many things about myself and each time I find myself having to face up to another truth about myself my initial instinct is to lie barefaced to myself and then to find ways to squirm out of the discomfort these lies have created in my life and each time I find myself ready to drop back into the illusion of the old lies some excellent being of divine wisdom pops up right in front of me and says with that Harry Enfield-esk voice “you don’t wanna do thaaaat?”. GOD that get irritating after a while! Lol
(More to follow! –as this new dimension grows)

The Habit of Mothering

Wed 10 Sep 2008

Mothering
Mothering is a need we all seek to gratify instantly from the moment of birth. This need to be nurtured, taken care of, loved, protected, fed, clothed etc is an inherent need that is to be expected to be present within children and babies. However once we are grown adults we are "expected" to grow out of it. Sadly few of us grow out of it purely because our society has evolved in such a way that we have ended up making society responsible for our "childish" behaviours.

This is not a modern phenomenon. Believe it or not but what the media frenzy feeds us i.e. this desperate need by society's delinquents to play out their irresponsibility in public simply to gain recognition by it, is not a new phenomenon by any means.

Although it has grown to desperate levels through greed as in the cases being played out in the USA where individuals are constantly looking to sue companies and each other for pure accidents shows that within the American society mothering is demanded and expected in all areas of the publics' lives from external entities - be they individuals or organisations such as the government. resulting in what we have heard described ironically in the press as the "nanny state".

Individuals that sue usually succed because they convince the jurors and courts that they were in some way unable to take care of themselves and that the "neglect" of the other party caused these accidents and/issues to arise which meant that the plaintiff sufferred irreparable shame, discomfort, damage, etc etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not against genuine cases where the pure neglect or reckless action of one caused harm to another i.e drink drivers killing/maiming others, however, the phenomenon also now reaching British shores where we are suing employers, buildings, councils etc for accidents that caused discomfort I find reviles me. You know the gimmik "no win no fee" accident claim specialists who are now touting their services freely in all media. That, to me, is a symptom of a society totally interdependent on others to be responsible for their actions. inactions or mishaps that occur as a result of the instigator exercising minimum caution or applying very little simple common sense.

This all harks back to that inherent childhood desire to be "mothered". This is not a new phenomenon, it is simply a newer technique through which we gain the mothering we so desperately believe we need.

Older generations expecially in cultures which have extended families, have allowed and built into the community rules a pratice of providing this mothering without batting an eyelid. The simple practice of an extended family in some ways creates this demand which for the younger, more independent generation is inadvertantly overly demanding and unreasonable. Let me outline a scenario.

In a traditional indian family a girl marries a guy but she is not only marrying the man BUT also marrying the parents-in-law, Uncles and aunts-in-law, any and all siblings AND cousins! Now I am not meaning literally "Marrying" the family as in the other family members also gaining conjugal rights, but that the girl becomes duty bound to "mother" to the needs and demands of this extended family. Particularly when they are living under one roof. This could mean things like cleaning, ironing, cooking, babysitting for sibling's offspring, listening to the older members of the families voice their needs and having no choice but to simply oblige. This type of marriage was the norm in many indian families and still is in many places. The bride was not normally given any choice to be free thinking or looking to meet her own needs. Her duty was first and foremost to the family elders and then to the siblings, etc. New brides were also held responsible should there ever be disharmony or discord amongst the other family members in particular the men because of course siblings never disagree or get jealous etc. and so the outside woman was always responsible in some way. Also in some Indian communities, translation of the vedic texts have dictated that the mothers are solely responsible for inparting good familial values of duty, honour, responsibility, respect, religion, etc to the younger generation. Should the younger generation express any dissent in any form the shame was squarely heaped on the shoulders of the mother/bride from outside never the father or other members of the family! What this practice has created is a convoluted behavioural pratice of many demanding voices with what one now considers unreasonable demands and expectations. Everyone's opinion must be heard and their need addressed even if what they are expressing is unneccesarily illogical. What pressure this places on the young bride was never a consideration. The family was always considered to come first and no other fact could eliminate that unspoken rule.

However with the relaxation of attitudes of families studying and living in the western world; as well as the media explosion in India and other eastern countries, the younger generations have been influenced and plucked up the courage not to baulk at the first sign of trouble from the in-laws. Should the new bride decide she would rather live in a house by herself with her new hubby and literally simply "mind her own business" she will, if she is marrying into a family with traditional values, face a hard battle to free herself of the family duties. In some cases a compromise is reached where the young couple still have to address some of the mothering duties such as cooking and delivering food regularly. Until the parents-in-law modernise themselves these restrictions will continue to impact younger generations commiting to each other through marriage.

The reason why I am highlighting this here is because I have had cause recently to coach and mentor girls caught up in the "dramas" of families living in the west with all the trappings of the modern family yet placing undue pressure on the bride to conform to their terrible behaviour. Family expectations to meet the needs of individuals who are well into their 50's and 60's who should really have matured by now to a stage where they are able to pander to their own needs instead of still expecting others to continue to provide "mothering" where the younger girls are not in a position to having their own young family and work commitments to run themselves ragged around, considering all and sundry before they think about putting food on their own dinner table so to speak.

I personally believe these "wise elders" should be bought to task in being shown the door without any fanfare and instructed firmly to go and "MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS". However the girls I worked with have themselves been instilled with deep family values and are struggling to cope with the guilt of putting themselves first. Their insecurities play havoc with their need for support from their partners who in turn feel split with their loyalty towards their families who are in all honesty causing ruptures where there should be none and as a result these men are failing to support their partners because they "feel" more for their families way of life that was there in full working order so to speak before their marriage came along.

Sometimes I get totally infuriated with men when they seem to be failing their wives in making their own immediate family unit work. I do appreciate the whole emotional blackmail that gets played out when issues arise in any family. However when a man who has promised to take care of his wife and children seems to spend more time mothering his parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and pandering to their needs, needs his head examining! If their parents etc were such a priority why bother to get married? Because these very men are playing out that very precise human need - to be Mothered! When they are expending so much energy mothering their siblings, parents etc, they have no room or energy for personal mothering and so they find a partner who appears to have a larger than life heart and need to share of themselves and place themselves in her hands and say (subconciously, of course) "NOW YOU TAKE CARE OF US ALL"! Do you not find this unjust?

In the whole human drama of this these scenarios are unjust and unreasonable - HOWEVER - as we are learning all human dramas are spirit's lessons in one form or another.

If you or someone close to you is finding themselves part of a drama similar to this than the lessons for you from your spirit is to face the fear and the wrath of your partner and his family by putting your needs for mothering first and providing whatever security you crave to enable you to stand up to the unreasonable demands being placed on you by the others seeming to want to suck the life breath out of you.

Learn to know and accept that you and your needs are no less worthy than they are. In fact your needs come first. Make room, build foundations to nurture and mother yourself in the area of your need. Learn to strengthen your voice to enable you to communicate how unreasonable the demands being placed on you are. Sometimes harsh unconditional love is required to drive the lesson home. If you start putting your needs for mothering first and giving yourself what you need you will be giving others permission to grow up and do the same for themselves. You may have to learn to be ultra tactful with your partner if he or she is part of the problem but by not brickwalling them by listening to their opinions and fears, and feeding them back to them saying "I know your worries are 1... 2... I hear you now please hear me......" I am looking to create . . . Harmony. peace security for others also it is in my nature to care for others, I believe that is what attracted us to each other but I cannot give as much as I want to unless and until my needs for those valuable resources are met first, If I am running on low I cannot give my best, if I am overflowing I can do so much more. . . ." try it and see, , , and let me know how it goes!

Sending you all love and blessing for joyful harmony and peace.

Rashmi

Hancock the movie & Soul Mate relationships

Wed 10 Sep 2008
Hancock & Soul Mate relationships
Well I have just enjoyed my second viewing of the wonderful movie with Will Smith and Charlize Theron - Hancock. Raise your hands all those who loved it. . . . Those who didn't. . . hmmm about equal, I think!

I actually AM a fan. I loved it! In particular I loved the deeper soul mate relationships ideas and meanings portrayed in the movie. Now whether that was intentional or not I don't know but I see more within the story played out between Hancock and Mary AKA Angel!

My interpretation links in with my personal experience of soul mate relationships and also ties in with the experiences of other light workers and all folks really who have at one time or another experienced and all emcompassing, fiery, passionate relationship with a magnificent pulling power all of it's own. A relationhsip you felt/feel you could not survive without which, in most cases, started with a bang.

Most people who have lived through intense soul mate relationships have experienced love at first sight or in some cases, as in mine, sound. That instantaneous calling to the soul within that this person has something for you. You feel that with this person you are complete. Try and leave them and you struggle.

Even when the relationship is disastrous, controlling, manipulative and draining, you have elements of you that keep going back and you believe with all your heart that this other person and you are meant to be. You may even kid yourself that challenges facing the relationship are simply tests to help you appreciate each other more. And in most cases it is a mutually challenging drama.

I do not doubt that there challenges in all relationships in fact I know there are but somehow the soul mate challenges drive you to distraction with the power they seem to hold over you and resistance is futile.

My experience has taught me that soul mates exist on this plane to basically "push" us to accept those immortal parts of us we are asleep to and fearful of. Those parts of us that we mistakenly believe make us weak and vulnerable when in fact in "reality" the opposite is true, since opening up to our darker, fearsome elements and accepting them with unconditional love makes us more powerful than we dare to dream of being in many ways. In simple human terms when you are less afraid of your "weaknesses" or the shadowy elements to our personalities we are less prone to emotional blackmail or abuse and we Know ourselves beyond question which makes it easier to believe in ourselves.

The parallels I drew from the Hancock movie to "soul mate" relationships are:

A) There was, in the movie, a subconscious knowing for Hancock that there was something going on with Mary whether you put that down to sexual chemistry or more it is there.
Soul mates inevitable know when they are in the presence of their soul mate it could be the electrically charged atmosphere it could be the magnetic draw to the persons words or actions or clothes even in some cases the sense of being under a spell is intense.

B) There was a line that Mary (Charlize Theron) spoke about being one half of each other i.e. "we were made in pairs" and no matter where I go he finds me. In the story Hancock had been left in Miami with amnesia and the story takes place in Los Angeles - he found her! Aah sweet love! I personally have experienced this pull, finding myself drawn to various places tiem and time again subconciously as have many of my clients who have come to me for support with relationships.

C) In the movie, when they are together they grow weaker and become more human; inevitable this is what happens in soul mate relationships. As soon as the soul mates start spending time together the relationship will throw up challenges that are highlighted as weaknesses/incompatibilities that fail to support the longevity of the relationship. The partners will start pushing each others buttons; you will feel and allow yourself to be more vulnerable around this person, you will be pushed beyond your emotional thresholds and to places you never dreamt you could sink to; you will compromise for the sake of the relationship at the expense of your ideals and needs because being away from your beloved makes you feel useless, dead inside and numerous limitations come to the surface. So on the one hand you feel complete when you are together and on the other hand your reactions to each other make you weak and push you both through painful learning experiences. And test you both to see how much can you really take?

Through my experience, reading about others and through supporting others through their challenges I have learnt that soul mates show you where you are limiting yourself. Where are you being less than for you and where are you not loving yourself. The essential lesson is you are immortal you will not die of heartbreak if you decide to honour yourself and walk. Your love has to start with loving yourself or else you will keep replaying these dramas over and over again until you learn to seperate abuse of self and each other from love.

Soul mates no matter how powerfully they fall in love and attract each other exist to show the soul how powerful it is not how dependent or needy it is. Immortality comes in knowing you exist first and foremost for yourself for your experiences and depending on soul mates to love you when you are unable to love and honour yourself is folly.

I could write all night but I would love to read what you all have to say. Did anyone else notice the parallels? Or any other interesting insights?

Ciao for now!