The Habit of Mothering

Wed 10 Sep 2008

Mothering
Mothering is a need we all seek to gratify instantly from the moment of birth. This need to be nurtured, taken care of, loved, protected, fed, clothed etc is an inherent need that is to be expected to be present within children and babies. However once we are grown adults we are "expected" to grow out of it. Sadly few of us grow out of it purely because our society has evolved in such a way that we have ended up making society responsible for our "childish" behaviours.

This is not a modern phenomenon. Believe it or not but what the media frenzy feeds us i.e. this desperate need by society's delinquents to play out their irresponsibility in public simply to gain recognition by it, is not a new phenomenon by any means.

Although it has grown to desperate levels through greed as in the cases being played out in the USA where individuals are constantly looking to sue companies and each other for pure accidents shows that within the American society mothering is demanded and expected in all areas of the publics' lives from external entities - be they individuals or organisations such as the government. resulting in what we have heard described ironically in the press as the "nanny state".

Individuals that sue usually succed because they convince the jurors and courts that they were in some way unable to take care of themselves and that the "neglect" of the other party caused these accidents and/issues to arise which meant that the plaintiff sufferred irreparable shame, discomfort, damage, etc etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not against genuine cases where the pure neglect or reckless action of one caused harm to another i.e drink drivers killing/maiming others, however, the phenomenon also now reaching British shores where we are suing employers, buildings, councils etc for accidents that caused discomfort I find reviles me. You know the gimmik "no win no fee" accident claim specialists who are now touting their services freely in all media. That, to me, is a symptom of a society totally interdependent on others to be responsible for their actions. inactions or mishaps that occur as a result of the instigator exercising minimum caution or applying very little simple common sense.

This all harks back to that inherent childhood desire to be "mothered". This is not a new phenomenon, it is simply a newer technique through which we gain the mothering we so desperately believe we need.

Older generations expecially in cultures which have extended families, have allowed and built into the community rules a pratice of providing this mothering without batting an eyelid. The simple practice of an extended family in some ways creates this demand which for the younger, more independent generation is inadvertantly overly demanding and unreasonable. Let me outline a scenario.

In a traditional indian family a girl marries a guy but she is not only marrying the man BUT also marrying the parents-in-law, Uncles and aunts-in-law, any and all siblings AND cousins! Now I am not meaning literally "Marrying" the family as in the other family members also gaining conjugal rights, but that the girl becomes duty bound to "mother" to the needs and demands of this extended family. Particularly when they are living under one roof. This could mean things like cleaning, ironing, cooking, babysitting for sibling's offspring, listening to the older members of the families voice their needs and having no choice but to simply oblige. This type of marriage was the norm in many indian families and still is in many places. The bride was not normally given any choice to be free thinking or looking to meet her own needs. Her duty was first and foremost to the family elders and then to the siblings, etc. New brides were also held responsible should there ever be disharmony or discord amongst the other family members in particular the men because of course siblings never disagree or get jealous etc. and so the outside woman was always responsible in some way. Also in some Indian communities, translation of the vedic texts have dictated that the mothers are solely responsible for inparting good familial values of duty, honour, responsibility, respect, religion, etc to the younger generation. Should the younger generation express any dissent in any form the shame was squarely heaped on the shoulders of the mother/bride from outside never the father or other members of the family! What this practice has created is a convoluted behavioural pratice of many demanding voices with what one now considers unreasonable demands and expectations. Everyone's opinion must be heard and their need addressed even if what they are expressing is unneccesarily illogical. What pressure this places on the young bride was never a consideration. The family was always considered to come first and no other fact could eliminate that unspoken rule.

However with the relaxation of attitudes of families studying and living in the western world; as well as the media explosion in India and other eastern countries, the younger generations have been influenced and plucked up the courage not to baulk at the first sign of trouble from the in-laws. Should the new bride decide she would rather live in a house by herself with her new hubby and literally simply "mind her own business" she will, if she is marrying into a family with traditional values, face a hard battle to free herself of the family duties. In some cases a compromise is reached where the young couple still have to address some of the mothering duties such as cooking and delivering food regularly. Until the parents-in-law modernise themselves these restrictions will continue to impact younger generations commiting to each other through marriage.

The reason why I am highlighting this here is because I have had cause recently to coach and mentor girls caught up in the "dramas" of families living in the west with all the trappings of the modern family yet placing undue pressure on the bride to conform to their terrible behaviour. Family expectations to meet the needs of individuals who are well into their 50's and 60's who should really have matured by now to a stage where they are able to pander to their own needs instead of still expecting others to continue to provide "mothering" where the younger girls are not in a position to having their own young family and work commitments to run themselves ragged around, considering all and sundry before they think about putting food on their own dinner table so to speak.

I personally believe these "wise elders" should be bought to task in being shown the door without any fanfare and instructed firmly to go and "MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS". However the girls I worked with have themselves been instilled with deep family values and are struggling to cope with the guilt of putting themselves first. Their insecurities play havoc with their need for support from their partners who in turn feel split with their loyalty towards their families who are in all honesty causing ruptures where there should be none and as a result these men are failing to support their partners because they "feel" more for their families way of life that was there in full working order so to speak before their marriage came along.

Sometimes I get totally infuriated with men when they seem to be failing their wives in making their own immediate family unit work. I do appreciate the whole emotional blackmail that gets played out when issues arise in any family. However when a man who has promised to take care of his wife and children seems to spend more time mothering his parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and pandering to their needs, needs his head examining! If their parents etc were such a priority why bother to get married? Because these very men are playing out that very precise human need - to be Mothered! When they are expending so much energy mothering their siblings, parents etc, they have no room or energy for personal mothering and so they find a partner who appears to have a larger than life heart and need to share of themselves and place themselves in her hands and say (subconciously, of course) "NOW YOU TAKE CARE OF US ALL"! Do you not find this unjust?

In the whole human drama of this these scenarios are unjust and unreasonable - HOWEVER - as we are learning all human dramas are spirit's lessons in one form or another.

If you or someone close to you is finding themselves part of a drama similar to this than the lessons for you from your spirit is to face the fear and the wrath of your partner and his family by putting your needs for mothering first and providing whatever security you crave to enable you to stand up to the unreasonable demands being placed on you by the others seeming to want to suck the life breath out of you.

Learn to know and accept that you and your needs are no less worthy than they are. In fact your needs come first. Make room, build foundations to nurture and mother yourself in the area of your need. Learn to strengthen your voice to enable you to communicate how unreasonable the demands being placed on you are. Sometimes harsh unconditional love is required to drive the lesson home. If you start putting your needs for mothering first and giving yourself what you need you will be giving others permission to grow up and do the same for themselves. You may have to learn to be ultra tactful with your partner if he or she is part of the problem but by not brickwalling them by listening to their opinions and fears, and feeding them back to them saying "I know your worries are 1... 2... I hear you now please hear me......" I am looking to create . . . Harmony. peace security for others also it is in my nature to care for others, I believe that is what attracted us to each other but I cannot give as much as I want to unless and until my needs for those valuable resources are met first, If I am running on low I cannot give my best, if I am overflowing I can do so much more. . . ." try it and see, , , and let me know how it goes!

Sending you all love and blessing for joyful harmony and peace.

Rashmi