who have you upset lately?

I seem to be going through a phase in my life where by simply being me I unwittingly upset every family member.

Is it me being drastically insensitive or is it that others are highly sensitive to me once again voicing my opinion.

I started my adult life being outspoken and completely honest to the point that others baulked at my "truthful ways" and were sometimes shocked at the way it was expressed. Where others see differences and blockages, I see few community/cultural barriers, I see opportunities and love.

Over recent years I have learnt to be more considerate to others' needs and feelings and actually started being overly shy about expressing my opinion and needs, somewhat retreating into myself for fear of hurting others or upsetting the apple cart during difficult times. What this meant was that I ended up being the one that was repressed and overwhelmed with the frustration of watching others behave badly or form opinions that were more blinkered than objective. By repressing my feelings and ideas no one is going to learn to change their ways or release their fears. I am simply prepertrating a deep set pattern of behaviour - no matter what you do DON'T rock the boat!

In the last month I have started being a lot more my old self in giving myself permission to speak up when I see someone judge a situation in a prejudiced way. I have realised that I can no longer protect others from their out dated beliefs or stand by and watch others repeat old family, cultural patterns based on fears and suspicions of the past which keep them restricted and limited and really unhappy.

Now I no longer make excuses for people who choose to caste aspersions on others in a blinkered fashion nor do I find it easy to keep quite where certain behaviours are being perpertrated by adults who know better, I do not stand for prejudice nor do I agree with caste/cultural barriers and preconceptions.

Sadly this means that I am once again excluded from the family that I love. They believe that by being vocal in my opinions I am somehow betraying the family.

This situation is painful and overwhelming if I let it become so, what is compelling me to remain loyal to my views and beliefs is knowing that old behaviours and prejudices only serve to limit me and keep me imprisoned in a way of behaving that takes away my free will and erodes away the faith that I am working hard on rebuilding in my creator.

Do I want to continue outdated family patterns that block my freedom of choice or do I want to be free to co-create a more fulfilled life? Do I want to be a victim of circumstance or do I want to be the designer of my destiny?

At this time I am choosing to walk with open eyes and open heart, still loving those who reject me, knowing that their fears create the barriers they are too frightened to see.

Change is frightening and it can seem like a long walk in the dark but the brave sometimes have to appear as fools to help others leave behind their familial cages.

Ego my friend

Ego

Ego my old friend, Welcome!
I have lived under your sweet shadow for so long now!
Life is empty - seems empty without you near.
Your many forms and tricks hold me spellbound;
Your many guises make me powerful yet so weak!
You strive so hard dear Ego to hold me safe;
Yet your safety net suffocates me;
My dreams withering under your watchful eye.

Your power is such you can draw blood at the dawn of a mere possibility ... a warning shot across the bows lest I dare step out from under your shade.
Here I sit dazed in time,
wary of the your powerful tools so well honed and sharpened.

Fear leaves me gasping for breath,
Mere thoughts of my own dissent make my skin crawl and my body ache;
Dare I step too far from your clutches seeking solace where you’ve denied me permission;
Calamities untold play repetitively in my invisible theatre of emotions
bedding in inaction as an unwelcome guest.

Guilt – they shyest friend – so ever present;
Walks with me every given step
Weighing heavy on my shoulders;
Setting onto them terrors of souls bygone.
New responsibilities are laid and created each day; burdening me in even the smallest choice.

Hate so sweet in it’s own disguise
Seeks revenge in even the tiniest slice
Presenting itself wherever love seeds a paradise garden
Leaving giant footprints of a yeti unseen
Denying beauty and purity their right to simply be

Resentment the thief of love once shared;
Steals memories of the sweetest flav;
Leaving acrid smells and acid tastes in it’s wake;
Drowning compassion for it’s own sake

LEAVE NOW I command you;
I am battered black and blue
Playing the games that I thought I once knew
With you, Ego, an old friend sent to keep me safe

Where did I gamble away this friendship so great;
To wake one day with an adversary?

 
I deny you right to own my soul;
And cast out your friends from the very gates they guard
Only love need enter and live here now;
Those shadows of the past remain fond memories of innocents unguided;
Wrapped in silken mists of forgiveness

Release me now Ego from the shadows of your dramas;
Much joy await me where you’ve shown me only pain.
Work awaits me where sweet gardens stand in stillness
To be tended with faith and patience
Laughter awaits where once fear held me back;
So much peace resolves the guilt that never was

Where you once thrilled me with your magic
I now invite in miracles without walls
Miracles of faith and worth beyond dreams that give me strength to hop, skip and sing

Ego my friend of old,
How grey and old you look now!
Where once you wore the shining threads of power
I see only grey shreds of shame

Oh my! You still retain the strength of disguise
A warning to self lest I forget the pain of the past.

Ego my friend I have a heart and love runs through me like an ocean for giving
I give you dignity as your new clothes
You have served me well before I cannot deny
I still love you yet your power is denied

Ego my friend now come and cleanse yourself;
Dress in your new clothes of integrity
Let the world see we have been through the worst and survived
A friendship of old, a battle of our times
Now ended in peace and compassion.

Ego be still
Fear not yourself
The light of love that now shines through me
Has the strength of faith that will carry us both
To lands of dreams where miracles are norm...

Be still my love, my ego,
I have loved you long and faithfully,
Give me your faith now as heavenly love
Guides and guards our flight path
We are safe in stillness
Trust .....
Simply trust
.... lets cherish the NOW we have.